Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Can't do it anymore! Crisis in my meat-less journey

This is the second day in a row that I just gave up on my promise of keeping a vegetarian diet until 10/16. It's kind of silly when you think about it, since the end date is so near. But every time I succumb to a non-vegetarian meal all I could think of is "fuck it I can't do it anymore."

And it's not even because I can't stand my freezer being full of things I can't get rid of. In fact all the meat-containing meals I've had were takeouts. None of them were particularly satisfying, except the Pho I had. I was craving specifically for Pho and that is one food you can't ask for a vegetarian substitute for.

My first breach was a chicken parm dish. I was craving chicken parm, but what I got was the saddest pieces of chickens sitting miserably on top of a pile of pasta. It was not what I had in mind and I considered that my punishment for breaking my vow.

Then there was the pho which was okay. I made the mistake of adding too much hot sauce so in the end it was kind of agonizing.

Then yesterday I ordered what I thought was going to be a burger but ended up being a kind of cheese steak thing. I was craving fries and I wanted burger. It wasn't bad and it wasn't as filling as I had feared so it was a satisfying meal.

Today I got a salad with fried chicken tender pieces. It was not a good salad and the chicken tasted like cardboard. There was no pleasure from eating that salad and I wasn't even that hungry to begin with. I think I went in to the shop thinking of getting chicken tenders but there weren't any so I settled for the salad instead.

And I think it's only fair that if I couldn't keep my promise of not eating meat for 2 months then what I end up eating would not be satisfying.

But I couldn't really figure out why I just couldn't exert that will power. I've often said that I don't need to have meat in every meal, even though I will never go full vegetarian. But now I seem to have disproved my own belief. There was no rational reason for craving a particular thing, and when I was hungry I craved vegetarian dishes as much as I did meat dishes. I think it was more an act of defiance and rebellion that I end up choosing something non-vegetarian to eat.

I've been very unhappy recently with the pressure to finish my thesis and the strong desire to procrastinate and do anything but actually write my thesis. And I haven't been exercising at all for a while now. In fact I've been sitting around so much I feel the circulation around my calves and thighs being cut off. All this sitting has also lead to a lack of energy and desire to be productive, so I've been very tired lately and sleeping a lot. When I'm actually awake all I wanted to do is read my novel and check social media sites. All this has led me to a very unhappy and lethargic state.

For some reason the solution was to introduce meat-based protein into my diet. I don't even know if it's a valid solution, but I'm just convinced that eating meat will make me happier. I don't know if it's meat itself or the act of indulgence, the break from this self-imposed discipline, this illusion of freedom, but somehow in my mind this act of breaking free would inject a surge of elation that will make me more optimistic about the labor ahead.

And at this point, I'll really try anything to keep going. I even had a fleeting thought of trying out smoking (as in a cigarette) to help me stay awake and alert (something that rose out of too much Cormoran Strike novel reading, in which the main character smokes a lot). It was a really bad idea that got crushed by my better senses but that was the kind of state of unhappiness and desperation that I've reached.

I don't even know what the point of this rambling post is. To finally admit to the world that I've failed, I guess. I didn't want to admit it to my friends. I don't think they would understand and I don't want to make them understand. Besides, what are they going to do? All this is self-imposed so there is no consequences except however you want to look at yourself. Is this all a fun silly game and oops I didn't quite make it till the end? Or is this a test of character and I failed miserably and should be seen as such?

The truth is, I don't freaking care at this point. It's too soon for retrospective examining and repentance. All I know is that I'm defrosting a piece of chicken breast from the freezer and if I feel like eating dinner tonight that's what I'll have. Everything can go to hell until I get through this week.